I was smacked in the face with a realization recently. I tend to pursue girls who are not initially interested in me. This isn’t a bad thing as I recognize I’m not one to really show an interest in a girl, in what might be considered “normal” routines. So it’s not surprising to me when I tell a girl I’m interested in her that 9 out of 10 times there is a little shock and surprise in their response. The nice thing is most of these girls have seen traits etc in me which cause them to be curious, so when I do announce my interest in them, they are happy to see where it goes or give me a chance.
What I’ve discovered in my dating patterns and in really looking back to my past relationships, going all the way back to my first relationship, is that I was always being accepted but never chosen. The girls would see my “resume”, ie the stuff I could offer them, and were more than happy to go into the relationship.
They would accept me for who I was and overlook the “missing” parts.
It’s key to recognize that there were missing parts. Either they weren’t attracted to me physically, found some of my habits annoying, or just decided to overlook some of the stuff that makes me, me. In the end they accepted what they liked about me and hoped the other stuff would become easy to handle.
Being accepted is great, but being chosen is better.
The problem with just being accepted is that over time those qualities which they tried to ignore, get over, or just deal with, become annoyances. These annoyances continue to become more and more of a focus to them and they either internalize them and try to fix me, or externalize them and things begin to get complicated.
I don’t want to just be accepted anymore. I want to be chosen. I want to know that the girl I’m dating, the girl who’s decided to invest in me, the girl who decided to give me access to her life, wants all of me. This means she has to make the choice to be with me. She cannot just accept me and expect time and emotions (aka love) to solve everything.
Relationships are a lot of work. If you look around at successful christian relationships, which I’ve spent a lot of time doing, you see this everyday. They fight, they argue, they disagree, they complain about each other and in some cases they flat-out point out each others faults. They are broken and struggling just like the rest of us but none of this matters to them. They have not only accepted one another for who they are, they have chosen one another, faults, struggles and everything else which comes along.
Folks we aren’t perfect. I could list off about 20 things now I do which might make you run for the hills and that’s OK. I know that as long as girls keep saying no, as long as they chose NOT to choose me, I’m moving one step closer to that person God has chosen for me.
Become someones choice and stop settling for just acceptance.